Wednesday, October 7, 2009

When will it be our turn?

Why is it that when someone else in our lives are successful, we start validating our own success or lack there of, to ourselves and others. Success is measured in so many different ways but really it's in the eye of the beholder. We all wish we had more but we fail to realize that everything we have now is everything we need for tomorrow. I have gotten through life with less, but somehow I always want more. I hate feeling like I am owed something and I don’t like waking up feeling “left out” or upset that I haven’t lived up to expectations of others. I am not unhappy and I love my life, but what is it that everyone else is doing that I am missing out on? In this economy I think it is so important to realize that every situation is different. It’s funny because up until 3 weeks ago, when Todd became unemployed, our lives had not really changed that much. It has always been hard for us. Not because of the economy, but because WE have made it hard. We have not made the best decisions in the past and we are still trying to get ahead of the game. But when will this constant battle uphill be over? I can see the top but it seems like we never get there. The point is that is will never be over. Everyday is a new day and we have to make the most of it. Better decisions, better attitudes and we cannot look at other people situations because it is not our situation. We are not in debt, but we have bad credit. We don’t own a house, but we have a beautiful home. There will never be enough money, but we always seem to provide for our children. All these thoughts cross my mind and I try to stay positive, but sometimes I want to say “when will it be our turn”? That is wrong, but I cannot help the way I feel. Everyday I wake up in the morning and get dressed and have such a positive attitude about life. I always will have a smile because I know that it could be so much worse; I've been there and seen rock bottom. I keep climbing because that is who I am. When you reach the top, where do you go from there? I may never reach the top but I am content with that. Is that good or bad? Maybe that is what I am missing.

Its A Start

I find myself everyday in a constant battle about my past. I ask myself what would my life be like if I didn’t do this, that or the other? I had my first child at 17, totally unexpected. I was still in high school, playing softball, and working on going to college at Stephen F. Austin. Everything was planned and perfect. I did not want anything to interrupt my so called “perfect life”. But then it hit me; my plan had changed. I knew I did not want to be a statistic but felt I disappointed a lot of people. I was not a very good example for my younger brother or sister. My parents had no idea I was even having sex but somehow I was going to make it work. I stayed home for the 1st year of Leah’s life. It was beyond amazing to watch a child grow and change. It was probably the hardest thing I have ever done. Her father was absent most of the time, only reaping the benefits of “me” and not his child. I was being used, physically and mentally abused and I continued until I found out I was pregnant with my second child at 20 years old. Keep in mind; I was on birth control with both of my pregnancies. I was trying to prevent-I was in no position to have another child. No money, no house, no husband, and oh did I say no money! I stayed with the biological father until I was 3 months pregnant. Then I left for good.

In my mind I knew I was already doing it on my own but not on my own terms. The only person who could change that was me! I decided to make the biggest move of my life. I was 20 years old, had a 2 yr old, I was pregnant again and on my own. Checkmate!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

How Did It Come To This?

This is my first blog. WOW! I am turning 30 in 13 days. The time has flown. Though I never thought my life would turn out the way it did, I have come to the conclusion that it worked out for the better; and there is still so much more to come! I am starting this with an open mind. I don’t care if anything comes of it or if people actually read my blog, I just want it out there. I am not licensed to give advice nor do I feel that I am in any situation to give advice. I just want people to know that they are not alone. I have yet to read a story quite like mine so it could be helpful to others out there. Maybe not everyone will understand it but I will be brutally honest; Not to be hurtful but because this is my story. People who know me have heard it, but they do not understand it. My family watched me live it, but they will never understand it. Everyday that I write will be a chapter or memory in my life story. You have just read the introduction.